I guess that's generally how I feel right now...and it's not just because Marcy just left for a few days to Willow Creek for their Children's Ministry Conference...I feel uneasiness over this whole idea of being in ministry...I don't really know how to explain it except to note a few thoughts that I have had recently:
- This past Sunday, I did a lesson on four of the "I am" statements of Jesus, particularly the bread of life, the light of the world, the door, and the vine...I had a tangible object for each one to demonstrate the meaning of the analogy, such as the loaf of bread we baked and that I ate while I taught (they weren't happy about that one)...overall, I thought it was good lesson and it made the stories more concrete in their minds...what made me uneasy was the thought that I was still performing...I have always had a performance mentality about life, that I need to always be performing for people...I have bad dreams about this, such as being on stage and not knowing how to play the piano I am supposed to play...what happens if I stop performing and just be, what would the ministry look like?...I know the need for authenticity is there, and I think I'm being authentic, but what if I don't craft a good lesson?...will I lose kids?...can I afford to take the risk?...even when I read Scripture in church, people often tell me, "You did a great job reading Scripture. You really make it come to life."...that bothers me...sure, it makes me feel good, but isn't the Word of God living and active all by itself...then it's not me doing the bringing to life part...but I still feel like I need to perform well to live up to some sort of expectations that I place on myself or that are imposed upon me...
- I heard a comment that made me go, "Hmmmm... (props to Arsenio Hall)"...we are having a capital campaign to build a dedicated children's ministry area, which I am totally on board for...but the comment that caused me pause was, "La Croix is church at its best," or something to that effect...wow, that is a huge statement to make!...we do church well, if you can do church well...we are growing, people are coming to know the Lord and growing in their faith...but is that all there is to church at its best?...I wonder if we are doing enough to support the orphans, widows, and aliens in our midst...I wonder if we could be more of a praying church (I know that is one of Ron's desires for our church, which I applaud him for)...are we focusing too much on evangelization, and not enough on promoting the Kingdom of God, whatever that really means?...I think La Croix is a great church, doing lots of great ministry, and I am very grateful that God has opened doors to allow me to work here...we do many things well, but are we "church at its best"?...that's a lofty claim to make...
- I have had at least five of my students tell me that they are thinking about full-time ministry as a career option...that should make me go, "WOO-HOO!" not cause uneasiness, right?...but I wonder how many of those will actually go on to such a future...I hear the statistics about the percentage of college-aged students that go to church regularly (according to Ron, it is 2% on any given Sunday)...and the other day I asked Marcy, "I wonder how many of our students will still be going to church when they are in college."...we have solid kids in our program...I look up to many of them, and I truly believe that they will buck the trend...I believe that a strong percentage of them will still be in church after they graduate...and I believe that some of them will go into full-time ministry...but you never know...and that's what makes me uneasy...
- This doesn't cause me uneasiness, but it makes me wonder: Why do people that smoke roll down their car windows when they smoke? Is it because they don't like the smell? Then why smoke? Just a thought...
2 comments:
Fitz,
I wanted to respond to you in regards to the concept of a "performance" mentality in ministry. I find it to be one of the most subtle, unassuming idols in my life. I think that in many ways it comes from my childhood in theater. You adopt a perona, you become someone else. Oddly enough though, most actors/actresses are always adapting their personalities to suit new people. (That's why they get married and remarried so often.)
Though I have never been a name it and claim it kind of guy, I do think that what has helped me is to rethink who I am. Claiming the hard truth "I am being transformed in Christ. I am made in his image. That more than enough. I am more than enough because God made me." By claiming such truths, it cuts down on the need to perform, to adopt "the pastoral persona". It frees me to really authentically be a Christian Minister, to be the man that God created and redeemed.
Fitz, you are being transformed in Christ. You are made in His image. That is more than enough. You are more than enough because Christ made you.
(Sorry if I am too preachy.)
In the words of Thousand Foot Crutch: I am the puppet master! Part of the craft of preaching / teaching is delivery and with that comes a certain sense of performance. That is why some of the people have the gift and some don't. It's in your blood (and spirit) dude! Look at our family history and the occupations that dominate the family tree. Whenever i have doubts i just thank God he didn't make me a salesman! (Rob, Bob, and Grampa. And any youth pastor who has time for blogging is CERTAINLY not busy enough!
P.S. I like your sleeves.
- Scott
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